maybe i'm not the only one who feels this way. that should be a comforting thought, but it's not somehow. the idea of things being "easier".... would it really be though? i get so used to doing things a certain way... i suppose i'm a creature of habit. and yet sometimes tend to just throw up my hands and charge in blindly. but i always seem to come away with a slightly different outlook on things; a few old habits thrown out, and a few new ones thrown into the mix.
lately my thoughts turn to "settling down." a lot of people use that term to describe finding someone, being committed to them, starting a family, buying a house... and all those other things that tend to define you as an "adult." if that's the case, i guess i started "settling down" about 12 years ago. why do i continue to feel so unsettled then, so disconnected and scattered? i think all that's really missing is to have someone to talk to at the end of a long day. someone i know i can call on when the weight gets too heavy. just feeling a little helpless lately i guess. overwhelmed.
how did this end up being "normal?" i guess somewhere along the way i was taught that strength of character is most important. i'm not disagreeing, but there are other important things that go along with that that i think i may have missed. a friend of mine commended me the other day for being so "with it" and having my shit together. they said they wish they could do the same. i responded by saying that i didn't really have a choice. they told me that i in fact did have many choices along the way, i just seemed to keep making the right ones. while i was flattered by their words, i was also disappointed. yes it's true, i've always been the type to push on through when times get tough. i keep going when others decide to quit. but why do i always have to be the one to do it? it makes me angry when i realize i'm picking up the pieces for someone else who is perfectly capable of doing it themselves. but anger is such a counterproductive emotion...
the thing is, i love to help people. i really do. i thrive on knowing that i did something for someone that really helped them out, made them happy, made them think "hey, maybe things aren't as bad as i thought." it seems that my own emotional state is directly related to the level of happiness i can provide for the people around me. on a side note, i think i've missed my calling in life, so if anyone can give me a hint as to what it might be, it would be greatly appreciated...
it feels like my impatience with my world right now, and my desire to prove my love are at war with each other... if i could just fast forward a few years, you'd see how much i loved you. but i can't do that, because it all has to unfold as it will. in this case, my impatience is only going to get me farther from my goal. the more i push toward what i want, the farther it will drift from me. i know that, but it's so hard not to just want it all. right now. i wish i could tell you right now, that i still love you after all these years... i'm getting off track...
i've come to the realization that, although i am very happy with the way things are right now, and proud of myself for all i've accomplished, i wish i had someone to share it with. i am a strong, beautiful, amazing woman. but sometimes even the best need a shoulder to cry on. we are all only human after all.
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