i wish i could play guitar while writing and doing the dishes. and also smoking a cigarette. yes. because all of these things are needed at the moment. my thoughts seem to be spinning in a thousand different directions at once. i write now mostly because i feel guilty for not doing it more often, but i know it's good therapy too. i've felt lately like the roller coaster is perpetually cresting that one huge drop.
sometimes i wish i would've been more of a bitch. it's that feeling of resentment after years and years of telling myself "it's ok. be the better person and let it roll off your shoulders." well right now i feel like saying "fuck that!"
had i stood up for myself more back then, would i find myself thinking these things now? my guess is no. but then again, all change comes at its own pace. and now is as good a time as any.
it just seems that when i let my walls come down, all those old feelings come rushing back too. jealousy. resentment. anger. but that's not really me. it's more of a product of the situations i put myself in. so do i just shut off again? or do i ride it out? because it could be beautiful...
jeezus! get your fucking thoughts straight, girl! all i really want to do right now is write an angry, beautiful, disgustingly romantic, sad song that says everything and nothing all at once. and play it for you. perfectly.
i heard a car pull up and thought it might be you. it wasn't. i checked my phone. 9:21 stared back at me. i'm still sitting here alone.
escape beckons me now, so i will put my own thoughts to rest for the night and find comfort in the words of others. sometimes it's just the little things. a good book and a warm comfy bed. a smile from across the room.
