settling down, settling in...

maybe i'm not the only one who feels this way. that should be a comforting thought, but it's not somehow. the idea of things being "easier".... would it really be though? i get so used to doing things a certain way... i suppose i'm a creature of habit. and yet sometimes tend to just throw up my hands and charge in blindly. but i always seem to come away with a slightly different outlook on things; a few old habits thrown out, and a few new ones thrown into the mix.
lately my thoughts turn to "settling down." a lot of people use that term to describe finding someone, being committed to them, starting a family, buying a house... and all those other things that tend to define you as an "adult." if that's the case, i guess i started "settling down" about 12 years ago. why do i continue to feel so unsettled then, so disconnected and scattered? i think all that's really missing is to have someone to talk to at the end of a long day. someone i know i can call on when the weight gets too heavy. just feeling a little helpless lately i guess. overwhelmed.
how did this end up being "normal?" i guess somewhere along the way i was taught that strength of character is most important. i'm not disagreeing, but there are other important things that go along with that that i think i may have missed. a friend of mine commended me the other day for being so "with it" and having my shit together. they said they wish they could do the same. i responded by saying that i didn't really have a choice. they told me that i in fact did have many choices along the way, i just seemed to keep making the right ones. while i was flattered by their words, i was also disappointed. yes it's true, i've always been the type to push on through when times get tough. i keep going when others decide to quit. but why do i always have to be the one to do it? it makes me angry when i realize i'm picking up the pieces for someone else who is perfectly capable of doing it themselves. but anger is such a counterproductive emotion...
the thing is, i love to help people. i really do. i thrive on knowing that i did something for someone that really helped them out, made them happy, made them think "hey, maybe things aren't as bad as i thought." it seems that my own emotional state is directly related to the level of happiness i can provide for the people around me. on a side note, i think i've missed my calling in life, so if anyone can give me a hint as to what it might be, it would be greatly appreciated...
it feels like my impatience with my world right now, and my desire to prove my love are at war with each other... if i could just fast forward a few years, you'd see how much i loved you. but i can't do that, because it all has to unfold as it will. in this case, my impatience is only going to get me farther from my goal. the more i push toward what i want, the farther it will drift from me. i know that, but it's so hard not to just want it all. right now. i wish i could tell you right now, that i still love you after all these years... i'm getting off track...
i've come to the realization that, although i am very happy with the way things are right now, and proud of myself for all i've accomplished, i wish i had someone to share it with. i am a strong, beautiful, amazing woman. but sometimes even the best need a shoulder to cry on. we are all only human after all.

a work in progress...

is all this emotional back-and-forth nonsense really doing me any good? well, no, probably not. but the question is, how do i quit you? and in doing so, quit these ups and downs...
i've analyzed and re-analyzed all the little details so many times. when i'm good it's all so amazing. the laughter, the smiles and embraces. but when i hit those lows it all just goes to shit. i beat myself up about it over and over, trying to find answers as to why i let myself be so foolish. am i insane to think that if i just hang on things might turn around? probably. but sanity has never been my forte. i wonder if there was anything i could've done differently... any little detail that i overlooked that may have inadvertently caused this disaster.
okay, okay, it's not a disaster.
just feels like one.
how else can you explain something that was so potentially perfect just falling apart?
i just feel like if i knew you were all mine, i could let you go... you could have all the space you want, as long as i'm the one you come home to...

desperation?

acting like an asshole in some convoluted attempt to help the situation. good work. what you're doing there, that's the opposite of help. but how can i blame you? i guess you're just trying to deal with it all too. and still be a friend in the process.

have i just built this up so much in my head that i'm believing what i want to believe now?

in this past month there have been more times than i can count that i have taken a good long pause, gone over every one of my own "wrongs" in every relationship i've had, and wondered if it's all just some sort of karmic lesson. what the hell did i miss? and if i don't get it this time then will i be forced to repeat this shit until i do get it right? really, really i'm trying this time. i swear! maybe a little nudge in the right direction would help me set my path.
~sigh~

i look at pages from my journals;
"every time i see you, my heart breaks all over again. how could i have been so wrong about something that feels so right?"
"sometimes i wish we would have never met so i wouldn't have to feel this heartache over and over again."
"maybe things are getting better... enjoying the little moments. the ways that you make me laugh. the sound of your voice. and the feeling of your heartbeat against my head resting on your chest."

a cup of tea. a walk in the rain. the blues and greens in those eyes. that first kiss. and all those other things that mean so much, and yet they seem to fade in most cases, in the face of day to day life. not because they are any less important to me... it's just that we don't make the time to appreciate them anymore, in the same ways we used to...

"i dream it's true. but i'd see it through. if i could be... wasting my time with you..."
that one's not mine, it's Phish. but a great line nonetheless.
"so if i'm inside your head. don't believe what you might have read. you'll see what i might have said. to hear it. come waste your time with me..."

the wine and the music doesn't seem to be helping at this point.

maybe when i needed you, you weren't there. or maybe you were. just on your own time. so, who am i to judge? because i would've done the same...

and really all these thoughts just lead me to one giant "inconclusion."
ya, i made up that word. but it sums up how i feel. all the ups and downs. the good and bad. the happy and sad.

still here. waiting it out. hoping for more. loving the time.

love