fresh start

been meaning to write for a while...
my birthday fast approaches and i feel like i've been through so much in the past few months.
emotional awakenings, physical ups and downs... i think sometimes that a lesser woman may have been brought to her knees by now.
is that conceited of me? somehow i think not. but i feel i should be cautious not to become over-confident in my ability to handle stress.
i've been feeling the need to start over and rebuild some things in my life. but in order to succeed i must first tear down all that i have built up in misconception.
never an easy task.
i am coming to terms with the fact that i have an incredibly hard time admitting i'm wrong. rather i just prefer to berate myself privately for not being a better mother, daughter, partner, etc. and in the end i resent those around me who "cause me to feel this way."
why not just say: i'm sorry. i totally fucked up. can we start over?
but sometimes the damage is already done. that is a tough one to handle. so now, as before, my lesson is patience.
but i have begun to make my apologies to those i feel i have wronged, either through action or through words. and i have begun making some apologies to myself as well. in realizing that i am still here and that the universe has a purpose for me, i can proceed knowing i'm on the right path. we are all human and our perception of reality is as individual as we are.
embracing that is worth all the heartache that love can cause.
that is what life is all about.

first snow

it snowed today.
earlier than usual for this area. it probably won't stick. the first snow never does. although it was quite persistent today and even now it is clinging to the ground, with the rain pelting down on it, trying to wash it away.
but it lifted my spirits a little nonetheless. it seems it doesn't really matter what the time of year is; it's the change of the season that makes me feel more alive. and autumn to winter is always a favorite. it reminds me of cozy nights spent with a glass of red wine and and a good book. snuggling up under the covers, hiding from the chill of the wind and snow outside.
this first snowfall was not like the magical Christmas Morning snow, when everything is silent and covered in a blanket of calm and peacefulness.
it was heavy, wet and sticky. and as the snow turned to rain in the afternoon, it melted and dripped from the trees, taking with it the newly oranged leaves which had only just begun to turn within the last week. summer seemed to want to hang on this year. but as much as it tried, the colder weather finally won out and came pushing down upon everything like an onslaught of pent up emotion.
i look forward to the coming days of warm and fuzzy winter boots, colorful scarves, and soft mittens. a reminder to be grateful for what we are given, to prepare ourselves for the changes that come. everything has its place and time and we are not so unlucky that we should spend our days complaining about the weather. that which we need in life will be given. all things in life are ours for learning, if only we open ourselves to the lessons.
in the time when the earth is preparing herself for renewal, perhaps also we should take some time to look inward and see what we might change or renew. spring always brings a promise of new growth.
but winter is a time to sit quietly and decide on the directions we want to grow.

sunday afternoon thoughts

she takes a deep breath and exhales... stress free today. no work, no plans, kids are at grandma's.
"i should be studying for my exam tomorrow," she thinks to herself. "and laundry needs to get done, too... and grocery shopping." well, it can wait.
will i ever get to relax... i mean really relax? when my mind is clear it seems i'm constantly moving. doing mindless tasks. keeping busy. and when i stop to take a break, my mind fills with a myriad of overlapping thoughts. each one careening heedlessly into the next. so i'll write... it's been a while anyway.
i tried to lay down for a nap, but as exhausted as i was physically, i just couldn't persuade sleep to come.
i miss the times when life was simpler. there was always something sure in those days; be it the quiet nights, or the gatherings of friends and family. and even in the in-between times when i would hide myself away, overwhelmed and needing to find refuge in myself. but i somehow knew you'd be there waiting...
(i find myself holding back while writing this, for fear of creating conflict. i'd rather it be me than any one else that hurts because of the way my life is playing out. these are my choices after all... and there's no reason you should suffer over it.)
but nonetheless, i always find myself back here. craving for that energy, that feeling that there's someone close to me that really understands me. and i know it's within reach. so what's my lesson here universe? because i know there must be something i'm not quite understanding... this is the second time now, or is it the third, that i've found myself in this same situation in the past 2 years?
patience... seems to be the word that haunts me lately. just keep holding on. because that which you seek will surely come to you. most of all, don't give up... again.
well, i will try to be patient. with myself, and with you. but i feel that some time for learning about me is just upon the horizon.
i am dangling my feet over the edge of the park bench, trying to decide which direction to walk in. maybe it's best to stand up, and get comfortable standing on my own, before i make that decision...
you keep walking though, i'll catch up one way or another. or perhaps we'll meet along a different path.

Incompetence...?

So, yesterday I left work in a bit of a sour mood after being told at 10 minutes before closing time that I shouldn't "disappear" from the front desk during the last half hour of the day... A little history here; there are usually 2 to 4 staff members covering the sales desk between 5:00pm and 5:30pm which is closing time. I have worked there for a year and a half and am well aware of the poor scheduling that takes place. In yesterday's case however, there were no customers in the store, 3 people covering the desk, and I had been pulled away for good reason. I had not "disappeared" but in fact was writing up a First Aid report. I was actually told by someone "just leave it until tomorrow."
Sigh...
So, today a little boy hurt himself at our workplace. I was called to the front desk and told to bring a First Aid kit to the office. I grabbed the kit from under the desk and went upstairs only to find that no one in the office knew anything about it. So back downstairs I went to get more details. After calling almost every department in the store, I happened to be walking through the Flooring Department where I came across a little boy sitting, in tears, on his mothers lap. "Oh good," I said. "There you are. Sorry about the wait." I opened my first aid kit to find that there were no band-aids, no alcohol wipes, pretty much nothing of any use. So I apologized again and ran back upstairs to the office where the main First Aid kit is. I told the ladies in the office that the first aid kit in Sales was out of band-aids. They said matter-of-factly, "I know. We took them out. People keep taking them." I stood there absolutely speechless for a second and then just shook my head and walked away.
Sigh again....

Introductions All Around...

So for the record, I am not officially 30 yet. It seems to be a turning point for a lot of people. I suppose we come to realize that we are no longer carefree post-teens trapped in adult bodies, but rather actual adults that maybe should've started getting our shit together a few, if not several, years ago. But the desire to explore, mingle, learn, and grow outweighs the desire to settle down and get a job when you're that age. Not to mention having an invincible liver and the ability to function most days hungover on 4 to 6 hours of sleep.

So, on to bigger and better things we go...

What do I want to be when I grow up? Well, first things first... I'm pretty sure I grew up while I wasn't looking. And as much as I'd like to glorify what I do everyday to make it seem like it's worth spending more time doing than being with my family, the truth is I am a retail sales clerk. I work at a building supply center.

Oh, sure I have First Aid certification and my Forklift ticket, a Class 4 driver's license, and a few other tiny papers with fancy names. Does it make me feel better about not having a "career?" Well, honestly yes it does. In hindsight, I spent only a comparatively small amount of money on going to school for training in a career that I didn't end up enjoying. But the versatility I've acquired in 10 years of trying to decide what I want to be is well worth the money. I'll get to teach my daughters how to change their own oil in their car, put on a spare tire, do a brake job... the list goes on.

If there's one thing I'd like to be when I grow up, it's A Good Role Model. I want my daughters to know that they can do anything they set their minds to. And no amount of old fashioned sexist male beliefs are going to stop me from believing in myself or my daughters. (For the record, I am "allowed" to work in the lumberyard on Saturday afternoons. I am not, however, "allowed" to work in the warehouse as of yet.) Sigh. The Struggle continues.
"But don't worry," I tell myself. "We Capricorns always get what we want." And I've proven before that my Capricorn stubbornness has way more fortitude than an Aries' belief that he is always right.

That's all for tonight....