first snow

it snowed today.
earlier than usual for this area. it probably won't stick. the first snow never does. although it was quite persistent today and even now it is clinging to the ground, with the rain pelting down on it, trying to wash it away.
but it lifted my spirits a little nonetheless. it seems it doesn't really matter what the time of year is; it's the change of the season that makes me feel more alive. and autumn to winter is always a favorite. it reminds me of cozy nights spent with a glass of red wine and and a good book. snuggling up under the covers, hiding from the chill of the wind and snow outside.
this first snowfall was not like the magical Christmas Morning snow, when everything is silent and covered in a blanket of calm and peacefulness.
it was heavy, wet and sticky. and as the snow turned to rain in the afternoon, it melted and dripped from the trees, taking with it the newly oranged leaves which had only just begun to turn within the last week. summer seemed to want to hang on this year. but as much as it tried, the colder weather finally won out and came pushing down upon everything like an onslaught of pent up emotion.
i look forward to the coming days of warm and fuzzy winter boots, colorful scarves, and soft mittens. a reminder to be grateful for what we are given, to prepare ourselves for the changes that come. everything has its place and time and we are not so unlucky that we should spend our days complaining about the weather. that which we need in life will be given. all things in life are ours for learning, if only we open ourselves to the lessons.
in the time when the earth is preparing herself for renewal, perhaps also we should take some time to look inward and see what we might change or renew. spring always brings a promise of new growth.
but winter is a time to sit quietly and decide on the directions we want to grow.

sunday afternoon thoughts

she takes a deep breath and exhales... stress free today. no work, no plans, kids are at grandma's.
"i should be studying for my exam tomorrow," she thinks to herself. "and laundry needs to get done, too... and grocery shopping." well, it can wait.
will i ever get to relax... i mean really relax? when my mind is clear it seems i'm constantly moving. doing mindless tasks. keeping busy. and when i stop to take a break, my mind fills with a myriad of overlapping thoughts. each one careening heedlessly into the next. so i'll write... it's been a while anyway.
i tried to lay down for a nap, but as exhausted as i was physically, i just couldn't persuade sleep to come.
i miss the times when life was simpler. there was always something sure in those days; be it the quiet nights, or the gatherings of friends and family. and even in the in-between times when i would hide myself away, overwhelmed and needing to find refuge in myself. but i somehow knew you'd be there waiting...
(i find myself holding back while writing this, for fear of creating conflict. i'd rather it be me than any one else that hurts because of the way my life is playing out. these are my choices after all... and there's no reason you should suffer over it.)
but nonetheless, i always find myself back here. craving for that energy, that feeling that there's someone close to me that really understands me. and i know it's within reach. so what's my lesson here universe? because i know there must be something i'm not quite understanding... this is the second time now, or is it the third, that i've found myself in this same situation in the past 2 years?
patience... seems to be the word that haunts me lately. just keep holding on. because that which you seek will surely come to you. most of all, don't give up... again.
well, i will try to be patient. with myself, and with you. but i feel that some time for learning about me is just upon the horizon.
i am dangling my feet over the edge of the park bench, trying to decide which direction to walk in. maybe it's best to stand up, and get comfortable standing on my own, before i make that decision...
you keep walking though, i'll catch up one way or another. or perhaps we'll meet along a different path.