sunday afternoon thoughts

she takes a deep breath and exhales... stress free today. no work, no plans, kids are at grandma's.
"i should be studying for my exam tomorrow," she thinks to herself. "and laundry needs to get done, too... and grocery shopping." well, it can wait.
will i ever get to relax... i mean really relax? when my mind is clear it seems i'm constantly moving. doing mindless tasks. keeping busy. and when i stop to take a break, my mind fills with a myriad of overlapping thoughts. each one careening heedlessly into the next. so i'll write... it's been a while anyway.
i tried to lay down for a nap, but as exhausted as i was physically, i just couldn't persuade sleep to come.
i miss the times when life was simpler. there was always something sure in those days; be it the quiet nights, or the gatherings of friends and family. and even in the in-between times when i would hide myself away, overwhelmed and needing to find refuge in myself. but i somehow knew you'd be there waiting...
(i find myself holding back while writing this, for fear of creating conflict. i'd rather it be me than any one else that hurts because of the way my life is playing out. these are my choices after all... and there's no reason you should suffer over it.)
but nonetheless, i always find myself back here. craving for that energy, that feeling that there's someone close to me that really understands me. and i know it's within reach. so what's my lesson here universe? because i know there must be something i'm not quite understanding... this is the second time now, or is it the third, that i've found myself in this same situation in the past 2 years?
patience... seems to be the word that haunts me lately. just keep holding on. because that which you seek will surely come to you. most of all, don't give up... again.
well, i will try to be patient. with myself, and with you. but i feel that some time for learning about me is just upon the horizon.
i am dangling my feet over the edge of the park bench, trying to decide which direction to walk in. maybe it's best to stand up, and get comfortable standing on my own, before i make that decision...
you keep walking though, i'll catch up one way or another. or perhaps we'll meet along a different path.