I'm up about 2 hours earlier than I usually manage to be so I thought I'd write... didn't get around to it last night. I often feel most write-y as soon as I get home from work, but I don't get the opportunity to sit and compose until after the kids are in bed; by then all my thoughts are too scattered to get them down on paper. So now, armed with a cup of strong coffee and at least an hour of house-quiet to myself I can attempt to get a few things down.
I feel like such an oddball lately. I have nothing in common with the people that I spend the majority of my time with. I find that by the end of a regular day I'm more frustrated with some of the people I work with than with anything else about that job. It used to be the other way around. Now I just feel like I'm surrounded by a sea of familiar faces that are simply masking all the gossip and backstabbing that no one wants to admit to, but everyone is guilty of. And yes, I'm guilty of it to a point myself. Although lately I have been trying to walk away from the ridiculousness when faced with it. But being that it's work, I can only go so far away. And therein lies my frustration.
I think every day about how much I'd rather be home, writing, studying, applying my skills to something useful. How did I manage to spend a good part of my life so far in contributing to the pursuit of other peoples' misguided idea of happiness? New cars, new suits, vacations, new flat-screen-tv-surround-sound-fucking-entertainment room! I couldn't give less of a shit what the hell new crap you have.
I've often felt like I see things differently than the people around me though. Just the way I was brought up I guess. We didn't have a whole lot, but my parents worked hard to give us what they could. I doubt I'll ever find myself in the position to hand a small fortune or inheritance of some sort to my children. And I like it that way. I think if you go through life not having to work for what you've got, it makes the soul lazy. I want them to be well provided for, don't get me wrong. But to understand hard work and the satisfaction of doing a job that is worthwhile is a much greater gift.
In struggling to "just get by" I feel I have become misguided. The last ten years of this journey called life have been incredible; so many lessons have been learned since I became an "adult." Now I think it's time to take what I have learned and set my sights on doing what actually makes me happy; pack my suitcase full of my ideals and values and catch a train to the next destination.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Monday, October 25, 2010
settling down, settling in...
maybe i'm not the only one who feels this way. that should be a comforting thought, but it's not somehow. the idea of things being "easier".... would it really be though? i get so used to doing things a certain way... i suppose i'm a creature of habit. and yet sometimes tend to just throw up my hands and charge in blindly. but i always seem to come away with a slightly different outlook on things; a few old habits thrown out, and a few new ones thrown into the mix.
lately my thoughts turn to "settling down." a lot of people use that term to describe finding someone, being committed to them, starting a family, buying a house... and all those other things that tend to define you as an "adult." if that's the case, i guess i started "settling down" about 12 years ago. why do i continue to feel so unsettled then, so disconnected and scattered? i think all that's really missing is to have someone to talk to at the end of a long day. someone i know i can call on when the weight gets too heavy. just feeling a little helpless lately i guess. overwhelmed.
how did this end up being "normal?" i guess somewhere along the way i was taught that strength of character is most important. i'm not disagreeing, but there are other important things that go along with that that i think i may have missed. a friend of mine commended me the other day for being so "with it" and having my shit together. they said they wish they could do the same. i responded by saying that i didn't really have a choice. they told me that i in fact did have many choices along the way, i just seemed to keep making the right ones. while i was flattered by their words, i was also disappointed. yes it's true, i've always been the type to push on through when times get tough. i keep going when others decide to quit. but why do i always have to be the one to do it? it makes me angry when i realize i'm picking up the pieces for someone else who is perfectly capable of doing it themselves. but anger is such a counterproductive emotion...
the thing is, i love to help people. i really do. i thrive on knowing that i did something for someone that really helped them out, made them happy, made them think "hey, maybe things aren't as bad as i thought." it seems that my own emotional state is directly related to the level of happiness i can provide for the people around me. on a side note, i think i've missed my calling in life, so if anyone can give me a hint as to what it might be, it would be greatly appreciated...
it feels like my impatience with my world right now, and my desire to prove my love are at war with each other... if i could just fast forward a few years, you'd see how much i loved you. but i can't do that, because it all has to unfold as it will. in this case, my impatience is only going to get me farther from my goal. the more i push toward what i want, the farther it will drift from me. i know that, but it's so hard not to just want it all. right now. i wish i could tell you right now, that i still love you after all these years... i'm getting off track...
i've come to the realization that, although i am very happy with the way things are right now, and proud of myself for all i've accomplished, i wish i had someone to share it with. i am a strong, beautiful, amazing woman. but sometimes even the best need a shoulder to cry on. we are all only human after all.
lately my thoughts turn to "settling down." a lot of people use that term to describe finding someone, being committed to them, starting a family, buying a house... and all those other things that tend to define you as an "adult." if that's the case, i guess i started "settling down" about 12 years ago. why do i continue to feel so unsettled then, so disconnected and scattered? i think all that's really missing is to have someone to talk to at the end of a long day. someone i know i can call on when the weight gets too heavy. just feeling a little helpless lately i guess. overwhelmed.
how did this end up being "normal?" i guess somewhere along the way i was taught that strength of character is most important. i'm not disagreeing, but there are other important things that go along with that that i think i may have missed. a friend of mine commended me the other day for being so "with it" and having my shit together. they said they wish they could do the same. i responded by saying that i didn't really have a choice. they told me that i in fact did have many choices along the way, i just seemed to keep making the right ones. while i was flattered by their words, i was also disappointed. yes it's true, i've always been the type to push on through when times get tough. i keep going when others decide to quit. but why do i always have to be the one to do it? it makes me angry when i realize i'm picking up the pieces for someone else who is perfectly capable of doing it themselves. but anger is such a counterproductive emotion...
the thing is, i love to help people. i really do. i thrive on knowing that i did something for someone that really helped them out, made them happy, made them think "hey, maybe things aren't as bad as i thought." it seems that my own emotional state is directly related to the level of happiness i can provide for the people around me. on a side note, i think i've missed my calling in life, so if anyone can give me a hint as to what it might be, it would be greatly appreciated...
it feels like my impatience with my world right now, and my desire to prove my love are at war with each other... if i could just fast forward a few years, you'd see how much i loved you. but i can't do that, because it all has to unfold as it will. in this case, my impatience is only going to get me farther from my goal. the more i push toward what i want, the farther it will drift from me. i know that, but it's so hard not to just want it all. right now. i wish i could tell you right now, that i still love you after all these years... i'm getting off track...
i've come to the realization that, although i am very happy with the way things are right now, and proud of myself for all i've accomplished, i wish i had someone to share it with. i am a strong, beautiful, amazing woman. but sometimes even the best need a shoulder to cry on. we are all only human after all.
Monday, October 11, 2010
a work in progress...
is all this emotional back-and-forth nonsense really doing me any good? well, no, probably not. but the question is, how do i quit you? and in doing so, quit these ups and downs...
i've analyzed and re-analyzed all the little details so many times. when i'm good it's all so amazing. the laughter, the smiles and embraces. but when i hit those lows it all just goes to shit. i beat myself up about it over and over, trying to find answers as to why i let myself be so foolish. am i insane to think that if i just hang on things might turn around? probably. but sanity has never been my forte. i wonder if there was anything i could've done differently... any little detail that i overlooked that may have inadvertently caused this disaster.
okay, okay, it's not a disaster.
just feels like one.
how else can you explain something that was so potentially perfect just falling apart?
i just feel like if i knew you were all mine, i could let you go... you could have all the space you want, as long as i'm the one you come home to...
desperation?
acting like an asshole in some convoluted attempt to help the situation. good work. what you're doing there, that's the opposite of help. but how can i blame you? i guess you're just trying to deal with it all too. and still be a friend in the process.
have i just built this up so much in my head that i'm believing what i want to believe now?
in this past month there have been more times than i can count that i have taken a good long pause, gone over every one of my own "wrongs" in every relationship i've had, and wondered if it's all just some sort of karmic lesson. what the hell did i miss? and if i don't get it this time then will i be forced to repeat this shit until i do get it right? really, really i'm trying this time. i swear! maybe a little nudge in the right direction would help me set my path.
~sigh~
i look at pages from my journals;
"every time i see you, my heart breaks all over again. how could i have been so wrong about something that feels so right?"
"sometimes i wish we would have never met so i wouldn't have to feel this heartache over and over again."
"maybe things are getting better... enjoying the little moments. the ways that you make me laugh. the sound of your voice. and the feeling of your heartbeat against my head resting on your chest."
a cup of tea. a walk in the rain. the blues and greens in those eyes. that first kiss. and all those other things that mean so much, and yet they seem to fade in most cases, in the face of day to day life. not because they are any less important to me... it's just that we don't make the time to appreciate them anymore, in the same ways we used to...
"i dream it's true. but i'd see it through. if i could be... wasting my time with you..."
that one's not mine, it's Phish. but a great line nonetheless.
"so if i'm inside your head. don't believe what you might have read. you'll see what i might have said. to hear it. come waste your time with me..."
the wine and the music doesn't seem to be helping at this point.
maybe when i needed you, you weren't there. or maybe you were. just on your own time. so, who am i to judge? because i would've done the same...
and really all these thoughts just lead me to one giant "inconclusion."
ya, i made up that word. but it sums up how i feel. all the ups and downs. the good and bad. the happy and sad.
still here. waiting it out. hoping for more. loving the time.
love
i've analyzed and re-analyzed all the little details so many times. when i'm good it's all so amazing. the laughter, the smiles and embraces. but when i hit those lows it all just goes to shit. i beat myself up about it over and over, trying to find answers as to why i let myself be so foolish. am i insane to think that if i just hang on things might turn around? probably. but sanity has never been my forte. i wonder if there was anything i could've done differently... any little detail that i overlooked that may have inadvertently caused this disaster.
okay, okay, it's not a disaster.
just feels like one.
how else can you explain something that was so potentially perfect just falling apart?
i just feel like if i knew you were all mine, i could let you go... you could have all the space you want, as long as i'm the one you come home to...
desperation?
acting like an asshole in some convoluted attempt to help the situation. good work. what you're doing there, that's the opposite of help. but how can i blame you? i guess you're just trying to deal with it all too. and still be a friend in the process.
have i just built this up so much in my head that i'm believing what i want to believe now?
in this past month there have been more times than i can count that i have taken a good long pause, gone over every one of my own "wrongs" in every relationship i've had, and wondered if it's all just some sort of karmic lesson. what the hell did i miss? and if i don't get it this time then will i be forced to repeat this shit until i do get it right? really, really i'm trying this time. i swear! maybe a little nudge in the right direction would help me set my path.
~sigh~
i look at pages from my journals;
"every time i see you, my heart breaks all over again. how could i have been so wrong about something that feels so right?"
"sometimes i wish we would have never met so i wouldn't have to feel this heartache over and over again."
"maybe things are getting better... enjoying the little moments. the ways that you make me laugh. the sound of your voice. and the feeling of your heartbeat against my head resting on your chest."
a cup of tea. a walk in the rain. the blues and greens in those eyes. that first kiss. and all those other things that mean so much, and yet they seem to fade in most cases, in the face of day to day life. not because they are any less important to me... it's just that we don't make the time to appreciate them anymore, in the same ways we used to...
"i dream it's true. but i'd see it through. if i could be... wasting my time with you..."
that one's not mine, it's Phish. but a great line nonetheless.
"so if i'm inside your head. don't believe what you might have read. you'll see what i might have said. to hear it. come waste your time with me..."
the wine and the music doesn't seem to be helping at this point.
maybe when i needed you, you weren't there. or maybe you were. just on your own time. so, who am i to judge? because i would've done the same...
and really all these thoughts just lead me to one giant "inconclusion."
ya, i made up that word. but it sums up how i feel. all the ups and downs. the good and bad. the happy and sad.
still here. waiting it out. hoping for more. loving the time.
love
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
...from across the room
i wish i could play guitar while writing and doing the dishes. and also smoking a cigarette. yes. because all of these things are needed at the moment. my thoughts seem to be spinning in a thousand different directions at once. i write now mostly because i feel guilty for not doing it more often, but i know it's good therapy too. i've felt lately like the roller coaster is perpetually cresting that one huge drop.
sometimes i wish i would've been more of a bitch. it's that feeling of resentment after years and years of telling myself "it's ok. be the better person and let it roll off your shoulders." well right now i feel like saying "fuck that!"
had i stood up for myself more back then, would i find myself thinking these things now? my guess is no. but then again, all change comes at its own pace. and now is as good a time as any.
it just seems that when i let my walls come down, all those old feelings come rushing back too. jealousy. resentment. anger. but that's not really me. it's more of a product of the situations i put myself in. so do i just shut off again? or do i ride it out? because it could be beautiful...
jeezus! get your fucking thoughts straight, girl! all i really want to do right now is write an angry, beautiful, disgustingly romantic, sad song that says everything and nothing all at once. and play it for you. perfectly.
i heard a car pull up and thought it might be you. it wasn't. i checked my phone. 9:21 stared back at me. i'm still sitting here alone.
escape beckons me now, so i will put my own thoughts to rest for the night and find comfort in the words of others. sometimes it's just the little things. a good book and a warm comfy bed. a smile from across the room.
sometimes i wish i would've been more of a bitch. it's that feeling of resentment after years and years of telling myself "it's ok. be the better person and let it roll off your shoulders." well right now i feel like saying "fuck that!"
had i stood up for myself more back then, would i find myself thinking these things now? my guess is no. but then again, all change comes at its own pace. and now is as good a time as any.
it just seems that when i let my walls come down, all those old feelings come rushing back too. jealousy. resentment. anger. but that's not really me. it's more of a product of the situations i put myself in. so do i just shut off again? or do i ride it out? because it could be beautiful...
jeezus! get your fucking thoughts straight, girl! all i really want to do right now is write an angry, beautiful, disgustingly romantic, sad song that says everything and nothing all at once. and play it for you. perfectly.
i heard a car pull up and thought it might be you. it wasn't. i checked my phone. 9:21 stared back at me. i'm still sitting here alone.
escape beckons me now, so i will put my own thoughts to rest for the night and find comfort in the words of others. sometimes it's just the little things. a good book and a warm comfy bed. a smile from across the room.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
outlet
Overstimulated. Restless. Exhausted. Finding solace in a few quiet moments here and there where I manage to collect my thoughts.
It's all in there somewhere... all the highs and lows. The bittersweet frustrations of life. But spilling it out onto the page has been such a struggle lately. It's taken me days just to get this far.
I wish you could just see inside my head... Then you would see that I only mean to do good. You'd see that my actions do have a logical progression and that the desired outcome is built from a foundation of love. I guess that's why I write. Most people love to talk about themselves. I am no different. Perhaps it is some sort of ideological vanity... I don't know.
I know I have thoughts in my head that would likely change your life, although I would not be presumptuous enough to share them with you unasked for. I'm perpetually curious about whether I am the only person I know who thinks about these things. I've had the pleasure of connecting to one or two other minds in my life that seem to travel on similar wavelengths. But as of late my attempts at good conversation have dwindled. I find it exhausting to reach out now. After being met so many times with these self-imposed mental boundaries which people seem to find necessary. Why, I wonder, does it have to be that way? We can learn so much from each other if we just accept that we don't know everything about everything. (there is a quote from a song that I'm sure belongs here, but i can't think of what it is!)
I continue to write. Not because I really have anything to say at this point; it's more just because I want to talk to you.
It's all in there somewhere... all the highs and lows. The bittersweet frustrations of life. But spilling it out onto the page has been such a struggle lately. It's taken me days just to get this far.
I wish you could just see inside my head... Then you would see that I only mean to do good. You'd see that my actions do have a logical progression and that the desired outcome is built from a foundation of love. I guess that's why I write. Most people love to talk about themselves. I am no different. Perhaps it is some sort of ideological vanity... I don't know.
I know I have thoughts in my head that would likely change your life, although I would not be presumptuous enough to share them with you unasked for. I'm perpetually curious about whether I am the only person I know who thinks about these things. I've had the pleasure of connecting to one or two other minds in my life that seem to travel on similar wavelengths. But as of late my attempts at good conversation have dwindled. I find it exhausting to reach out now. After being met so many times with these self-imposed mental boundaries which people seem to find necessary. Why, I wonder, does it have to be that way? We can learn so much from each other if we just accept that we don't know everything about everything. (there is a quote from a song that I'm sure belongs here, but i can't think of what it is!)
I continue to write. Not because I really have anything to say at this point; it's more just because I want to talk to you.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
New Direction
In the stress of the last few months I have felt very little like writing. It's funny how sometimes, when you need it most, inspiration is just out of reach.
But now, looking forward with a different attitude and seeing my future from a different angle, it seems easier to let everything out.
Ugh, the depressing feeling of dealing with closed minded people all the time and feeling myself slowly but surely withering away to the same state of mind. Like an orange sitting on a shelf, evaporating away from the inside out until it is nothing but a hard skin, and utterly hollow underneath. But then a light came on. And from my frustration and depression an idea started to blossom.
I don't know how many people out there have felt like they are stuck in a rut. But I know I'm not the only one. Stuck in a job that I knew was killing my spirit, but feeling that I had no way out. I would go to work and could physically feel my attitude shift as I walked through the door. My shoulders would slump, my normally present smile would be hidden behind a mask of apathy and discontent. I tried to better my situation through determination and positivity, only to realize that all my hard work was only meeting a brick wall of outdated attitudes and inert mentalities.
"Well, this isn't going to get me anywhere," I told myself. "Something's gotta give."
And then the moment of realization... Why was I wasting my time fighting all this opposition for a job I didn't really enjoy? Wouldn't I be better suited to helping people that are in the very situation I am finding myself in? I've always had a keen eye for spotting injustices and getting fired up about the "unfairness of it all."
So, I turn my sights in a new direction. I'm excited, scared, and more than a little overwhelmed. But most of all I'm happy again. I have turned difficulty into possibility, depression into creativity, and inactivity into direction.
It took a while to figure out what I want to be when I grow up, but now that I can see the road I've traveled so far, the path before me is that much clearer, and the hills don't seem quite so steep.
Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
- Albert Einstein
You must be the change you wish to see in the world.
- Mahatma Gandhi
You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, well you might find, you get what you need.
- The Rolling Stones
But now, looking forward with a different attitude and seeing my future from a different angle, it seems easier to let everything out.
Ugh, the depressing feeling of dealing with closed minded people all the time and feeling myself slowly but surely withering away to the same state of mind. Like an orange sitting on a shelf, evaporating away from the inside out until it is nothing but a hard skin, and utterly hollow underneath. But then a light came on. And from my frustration and depression an idea started to blossom.
I don't know how many people out there have felt like they are stuck in a rut. But I know I'm not the only one. Stuck in a job that I knew was killing my spirit, but feeling that I had no way out. I would go to work and could physically feel my attitude shift as I walked through the door. My shoulders would slump, my normally present smile would be hidden behind a mask of apathy and discontent. I tried to better my situation through determination and positivity, only to realize that all my hard work was only meeting a brick wall of outdated attitudes and inert mentalities.
"Well, this isn't going to get me anywhere," I told myself. "Something's gotta give."
And then the moment of realization... Why was I wasting my time fighting all this opposition for a job I didn't really enjoy? Wouldn't I be better suited to helping people that are in the very situation I am finding myself in? I've always had a keen eye for spotting injustices and getting fired up about the "unfairness of it all."
So, I turn my sights in a new direction. I'm excited, scared, and more than a little overwhelmed. But most of all I'm happy again. I have turned difficulty into possibility, depression into creativity, and inactivity into direction.
It took a while to figure out what I want to be when I grow up, but now that I can see the road I've traveled so far, the path before me is that much clearer, and the hills don't seem quite so steep.
Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
- Albert Einstein
You must be the change you wish to see in the world.
- Mahatma Gandhi
You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, well you might find, you get what you need.
- The Rolling Stones
Monday, January 11, 2010
companionship and quotation marks
grrr...
frustrated today. i think i'm feeling "irritable" and "impatient."
my "social life" lately consists of sharing funny anecdotes with co-workers, pretending to be flattered by borderline sexual harassment at work, and going out drinking on my nights off.
as much as i love my kids, i often miss having adult conversation to come home to at the end of the day. the downside to being a single parent i guess. but there are upsides too. i get the bed to myself. and i can listen to whatever music i want. and if i decide to make a snack at 11:35 at night, i don't have to share...
*sigh*
but sometimes i think: "it would be nice to have someone to share this delicious grilled cheese sandwich with." and i always end up sleeping on "my side" of the bed anyway.
perhaps i'm just irritable because i've been "smoke free" for a week. yay! but it's times like this when i almost want to say fuck it all and have one.
but i won't. i'll just chew this delicious minty gum that tastes oh so good with a bottle of beer. ugh.
my horoscope for today says that my frustration comes from a lack of sleep or "romantic recreation." hahaha! that's a nice euphemism. let's "get right down to it." no "beating around the bush."
but really, i can take some comfort lately in the fact that i have been lucky to find the companionship that the universe has presented to me. and i've promised myself that whatever i decide to do i'm going to make it count for something. not saying that i'm going to find "mr. right" and live happily ever after. i'm just no longer going to stumble blindly into relationships that are built upon false pretenses. i should be mature enough by now to admit that maybe all i'm looking for right now is someone to smooch and cuddle with. and then go home to my own bed and my grilled cheese sandwiches.
and if my patience can win out over my emotional enthusiasm, then perhaps i'll end up having someone to torment with my sometimes questionable choice of music after all. :)
frustrated today. i think i'm feeling "irritable" and "impatient."
my "social life" lately consists of sharing funny anecdotes with co-workers, pretending to be flattered by borderline sexual harassment at work, and going out drinking on my nights off.
as much as i love my kids, i often miss having adult conversation to come home to at the end of the day. the downside to being a single parent i guess. but there are upsides too. i get the bed to myself. and i can listen to whatever music i want. and if i decide to make a snack at 11:35 at night, i don't have to share...
*sigh*
but sometimes i think: "it would be nice to have someone to share this delicious grilled cheese sandwich with." and i always end up sleeping on "my side" of the bed anyway.
perhaps i'm just irritable because i've been "smoke free" for a week. yay! but it's times like this when i almost want to say fuck it all and have one.
but i won't. i'll just chew this delicious minty gum that tastes oh so good with a bottle of beer. ugh.
my horoscope for today says that my frustration comes from a lack of sleep or "romantic recreation." hahaha! that's a nice euphemism. let's "get right down to it." no "beating around the bush."
but really, i can take some comfort lately in the fact that i have been lucky to find the companionship that the universe has presented to me. and i've promised myself that whatever i decide to do i'm going to make it count for something. not saying that i'm going to find "mr. right" and live happily ever after. i'm just no longer going to stumble blindly into relationships that are built upon false pretenses. i should be mature enough by now to admit that maybe all i'm looking for right now is someone to smooch and cuddle with. and then go home to my own bed and my grilled cheese sandwiches.
and if my patience can win out over my emotional enthusiasm, then perhaps i'll end up having someone to torment with my sometimes questionable choice of music after all. :)
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